It’s that time of year you guys! When we go have a family reunion with all our European relatives and we ignore all the bad habits of Auntie France and the human rights violations of Uncle Azerbaijan; things get pretty messy and we end up only talking to the folks we like and moaning about it being a popularity contest. And we only entered ironically and it’s been crap since Terry Wogan left anyway. But in the meantime we can all pretend to know where Albania is on the map and have a big piss-up in the sun.
But wait, you say, shouldn’t I at least do the bare minimum of research before I put a quid into the pool we’ve got running tonight? Why, my dear old thing, I have the very solution. Here’s our picks of the five acts most likely to take the big prize that is not at all based on the current odds given by William Hill. No, not at all.
Ireland – Jedward, “Waterline”
An uncomfortable amount of crotch-jiggling and an outfit with chevrons that say ‘here’s ma junk’, Jedward have put together a routine that is surprisingly not The Worst. There’s lots of running around and cartwheeling and a cool water feature that I hope didn’t cost the Irish people too much. They’re currently 26-1 longshots, but maybe worth a tickle on the night.
UK – Englebert Humperdink, “Love Will Set You Free”
Entered because this is the best the UK can come up with to make them look like the coolest kid at their little brother’s birthday party, but here’s the thing: you are still at your little brother’s birthday party, because you haven’t a better party to go to and you actually enjoy it, so stop being a dick already. Also Englebert looks alarmingly like Station from Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey.
Serbia – Zeljko Joksimovic – “Synonym”
Zeljko entered for Serbia and Montenegro in 2004, when he came in second behind the Ukraine. He’s looking slightly more mature these days, but the song is pretty solid, and features both a clarinet and that thing bassists do that makes the guitar go ‘bwoowwwmmmm’. Definite contender.
Italy – Nina Zilli – “L’amore è Femmina”
The title means ‘Love is Female’. Ok Italy, we get it, jeez. Amy Winehouse with an Italian accent, essentially.
Russia - Buranovskiye Babushki – “Party for Everybody”
Probably the most cynical move imaginable for Eurovision, the babushki are pretty much the most adorable thing you could watch without booking a troupe of puppies or incorporating Jedward in some way. Their routine involves making you some pies. I don’t even.
Sweden – Loreen – “Euphoria”
Again, this is kind of a dick move from Sweden considering they have entered a song that sounds a lot like something folk would listen to anyway. It’s a definite favourite and the bookies have it at around 6/4. Whether that translates into victory out of the twenty-six finalists is anyone’s guess. But probably. See you Saturday night!
Who’s your Eurovision favourite? Let us know in the comments.
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