Proving that Bieber is not the only teen facing burning questions about pregnancy, the film franchise and abusive relationship promotional guide The Twilight Saga has finally hit the mother lode of damaging ideas to give impressionable tweens: vampire pregnancy!
So we’re all up to speed on how this pans out: the pregnancy is super-fast and incredibly traumatic, the baby literally talks to Bella because life begins at conception and your body is not your own, there is a horrific childbirth that coerces Bella into becoming a vampire. Having survived this ordeal she names her child… Renesmee. What happens to the poor thing afterwards is barely worth discussing.
Renesmee. I have thought long and hard about how to make fun of that name and my goodness I just can’t do it. Maybe this is just a great bit of characterisation as Bella seems incapable of making life decisions that benefit her and why stop at christening your offspring not just a silly name but a silly name that is a hybrid of two equally unappealing names?
Perhaps it’s just a potent metaphor for the whole Twilight saga, which seem miraculously capable of taking a number of bad ideas and combining them into a single, cohesive clusterpoop through the most reprehensible black arts.
In other news, the Convincing Teenage Girls To Give Their Hearts To Supernaturally Gifted Boys bandwagon lumbers into town with an even more ludicrous proposal in tow: a young lady who falls in love… with a zombie! Now Simon Pegg appears to have given the book his stamp of approval, but judging by this promotional poster and the fact that Pegg shares his appreciation with a certain Stephenie Meyer, this could turn the ludicrosity up to eleven.
I hold out hope that a film that involves a girl falling in love with an inarticulate teenager who ate her boyfriend’s brains and absorbed his memories is a thoughtful and provocative look at how we enter into relationships and build our own character in a mutually-enriching environment but then I am the eternal optimist. Prove me wrong, Warm Bodies!
What supernatural creature would you have impressionable teens fall in love with? Give us your thoughts in the comments.
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